Thursday, May 28, 2009

THE WORLD ISN'T GETTING SMALLER, STUPID

- it's getting more full of our shit, and the internet is getting 'bigger.'

- it still takes just as long to get from milwaukee to madison, from new york to miami. planes aren't flying faster, cars aren't traveling at low-bit rate digital speeds.

- you can still buy land in montana, build a hut, buy a gross of freeze-dried food and a crossbow, and never see another human for as long as you live.

- if you wait a few years, everest's peak won't be within your capabilities.

- it's not getting smaller, because apparently distance never had any relevance anyway: http://www.trialectics.com/Physics/Quantum%20Nonlocality.htm

- hulu is sucking out our brains, which you'd think would make the world seem bigger.

that is all.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

PACKERS' PLOT UNCOVERED



by Smapoffmai Johnsonrod


Former Packer quarterback Brett Favre and current Packers’ general manager Ted Thompson were exposed on Tuesday for attempting one of the most elaborate hoaxes in sports history. A series of e-mails between the two detailing their plans to sabotage NFC North opponents was inadvertently ‘forward(ed) to all contacts’ instead of being deleted, according to Thompson. “Fucking gmail,” Thompson was quoted to have said Wednesday to reporters.


The hoax began in 2007, when the two spread false notions of bitterness regarding Favre’s unwillingness to retire, and Thompson’s haste to move the team forward with young prospect Aaron Rodgers. Favre and Thompson staged a stubborn battle when Favre unretired, claiming to have desire initially to play again for the Packers. Hints were floated that Favre’s frustration had sprouted into revenge, and that he now wanted to play for the Vikings to ‘stick it’ to Thompson and the Packers for forcing him out of Green Bay.


“(laughter) Hell, I love the Packers, but brats give me gas, and I can't stand the vi-queens and bears. It was definitely time to quit playing for real, but this plan of Ted’s was just too good to pass up,” Favre told reporters at a joint press conference on Thursday morning. That plan -- involving Favre, Thompson, Favre’s agent, as well as members of the Denver Bronco’s front office and coaching staff who lost a video game contest to Thompson -- was a mind-numbingly complex attempt to submarine the Minnesota Vikings and Chicago Bears for the near future. The primary goal was to install Favre in Minnesota to bring the team hope of a championship, only to let them down with shoddy play and fuck-all, rainbow interceptions down the stretch. "Shit, I've been doing it for years by accident, who wouldn't believe it if I threw a couple 40 yard bombs to Charles Woodson in week 16 to lose the division?" said Favre.


But in a decision made by Thompson, the Packers avoided trading Favre directly to the Vikings to avoid suspicion. Playing for the Jets in 2008 also gave Favre a full season of practice at ripping the hearts from the chests of millions of Jets fans late in the year. The idea was that Jets fans would be a good sample population, having themselves plenty of experience (like Vikings fans) with horrible, late-season implosions. It would also give Favre a good learning opportunity to hone his skills as a coach-killer - an element of the Minnesota plan which was added after Eric Mangini was banished to Cleveland by the Jets, following a beautiful executed, lead-by-example drop-off in play from Favre.


After retiring a second time, Favre waited until the Jets drafted a franchise quarterback in the 2009 NFL draft, and pounced on the opportunity to ask for a full release from the Jets. He was getting "the itch" to play again -- an itch that many speculated could only be satisfied by beating his old team in a Vikings uniform. "I love calling it the 'itch' to come back," said Favre. "It's like Ted gave me a rash that only Major Dad can scratch (laughter). With that mustache. Actually, I do have some redness here, what do you think this is? Right here below my(expletive)."


Favre's Viking stint was intended not only to destroy the 2009/10 season, but also to create a fractured locker room by embittering Sagevaris Jackenfels, the Vikings 2-headed excuse for a starting quarterback -- and by dividing the remaining players over the whole situation. Coach Brad "Major Dad" Childress was an anticipated casualty as well. "I mean, in some sense, who wouldn't want Brad Childress coaching their rival?" asked Thompson. "But we've learned that

owner Zigi Milf has some weird-ass record producer named Glen Ballard (pictured) lined up to replace him if need be, so we figured that'd be even better." (Ballard is noted for making horseshit albums with previously worthwhile musicians, composing sci-fi computer game music, and creepiness) Thompson's hope was that Major Dad would get hired elsewhere in the division.


Da Bears


Thompson and Favre's plan extended to the Bears as well, though Favre never had any intention of infiltrating the organization personally. "I think older Packer fans would've driven down to Chicago and made a human swiss-cheesehead out of me with their shotguns if I played for the Bears. It's just not worth the risk." So Thompson used some indebted friends who work for the Denver Broncos, and his connections through Favre's agent, Bus Cook, to ensure a weaker Chicago team for years to come. "So let's just say I've got some friends in Denver. And we play MarioKart Wii on Tuesdays and Thursday nights over the internet thing. I'm always Wario cause he's as insane as they come, and he seems to be easier to maneuver on that trippy level where everything's shiny and you keep falling off into space. Anyway, we had this tournament going, and well, I wiped the floor with them. The wager was a couple of draft picks - yeah, I played the whole field, I'm that good and they know it... bitches! - sorry, so one way or another, we'd exchange them. But we couldn't figure out a way to get them from Denver to Green Bay, so I suggested something different. I said, how about you guys trade Cutler to Chicago if they'll mortgage their future for him? They knew, just like I did from Bus, that this Cutler guy is ready to crack. I mean, I won't get into it, but it's weird stuff, man and it's gotten worse. And I knew once the trade was done, I could get Bus to give Jay a little... 'push.' You see, madness, as you know - is like gravity."


The trade was made, and Cutler has apparently been seen snorkeling in Lake Michigan in drag on more than one occasion since his arrival. The Bears now have 3 draft picks in the next 17 years, a diminishing defense, a ticking time-bomb at quarterback, and a stadium full of F.I.B.'s. Thompson: "Mission accomplished there, I'd say."


Plans for Minnesota Foiled


But as the Chicago front seemed tied up, Favre's dreams of leading the Vikings to a crash and burn finale went up in flames prematurely. Thompson's e-mail slip-up sent a massive Gmail 'conversation' to his entire list of contacts, including a number of fan blogs, media sources, NFL GM's and Joey Buttafuoco, who was the first to publish the information on his widely-read fine dining blog. "Really, we're pissed and I'm pissed, and well, it blows goats," said Thompson, who is facing league punishment. "But Goodell talks the talk and really walks the walk of... well, a nancy. And he owes me a few fourth-rounders from that Halo 2 tournament anyway." Favre added "But really, purple? I mean it would've been tough. And I think they're in good hands with Sagevaris, so I think things will end up probably pretty much the same after Cutler goes postal on the 'El' in a gorilla suit next Monday."


When asked if the two had ever made plans to disrupt the Lions' operations, Thompson responded "they're the ones who play in Detroit, right?"


Doctors Report Emperor Palpatine's Dementia Worsening, Empire Fucked


by Alphuster Mervleputz, updated 11am ET 5/13/09

Empire physicians (pictured above with Mr. Palpatine) reported Monday that the Emperor's condition has worsened, and that his delusions have nearly eclipsed his rational view of the galaxy. Insistent on wearing robes he purchased in Liberace's estate sale, the Emperor has proclaimed that a Mr. "God," and his son, a Mr. "Jeeves Cryste," are responsible for creation and salvation, respectively -- and that it is his duty to oversee that all of this goes according to plan.

Meanwhile, the Empire's foundation seems to be eroding due to a lack of competent executive direction. The man many think of as Mr. Palpatine's second-in-command, Mr. Vader, has been missing since early March -- and many fear recent events and work-related stress have pushed Mr. Vader back to old drug habits, and that he is lost somewhere in the K-hole. In an anonymous call to the Times on Friday, a source reported that Vader was "totally fucked, dude. Why do you care about my friend, man, where's my sandwiches? I called like almost an hour ago and I'm STARVED!"

Other reports indicate that the safety of the new battlestation "Death Star," scheduled for completion next month, may be compromised as well, as a set of catastrophic-weakness-plans is apparently missing. Those responsible have been sacked. All attempts to reach the mysterious Mr. Cryste (in the desperate hope that he actually exists outside of Mr. Palpatines distorted sense of reality) to procure a solution for the Galaxy's problems have failed.


HOPE FOR INVESTORS DUPED IN GEORGE WASHINGTON PONZI SCHEME



by Finkleton Pollutes, updated 10am ET

Some hope remains for investors duped by founding father George Washington (pictured), as it appears billions were withdrawn from Mr.
Washington's account just days before his arrest. "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder, " said Washington Tuesday, dodging a question from a reporter inquiring as to his ridiculous age(277) and young appearance.

It is perhaps his mysterious exuberance which has grown Mr.
Washington's popularity among impressionable youths. His spoutings on the dangers of a powerful central government (usually in response to questions about his financial transgressions) have riled up young Americans unhappy with the prospect of "just another king," as one revolutionary-studies-major-from NYU-gone-Washington-groupie put it.

When asked about sentencing for financial crimes,
Washington responded "Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. "


Friday, February 27, 2009

regional silverware

we got a coupon

expires February 31st

some days i hope i last that long

others, not past the 23rd,


four days of revealing

the darkened corners

of three year old unfinished business,


one day of draining

into a slowly cooling tub


(but i’ve not got it in me,

that roman trip that falls

on a well placed blade,

just before being conquered


i know it.

christ nick,

i’m not sure you had it either

if not for the drugs)


when you throw up

and it’s made of well cut diamonds,

rare as the Strangemorning,

hot as the things hiding behind the sun –

don’t you think you’ve peaked,

doesn’t a glass half full become quite a boring issue?


but there are ridiculous beats

that bring us out of winter


bass drums that make it warm

milwaukeeans who aren’t always drinking


humid and dry and nowhere inbetween,

peter, peter, making stew,

pete, you’ve got a lila blue

and a room of chops,

shaken in a glued-down chair

green lights on a road of stops

small car with curious hands

quick stops for pissing

long times for wide states

signs, the welcomes of governors

at night, in the rain

through eastern pennsylvania

up and down again,

through jersey and her bastard trucks

toward the ocean

seldom seen

near the hudson

far from clean

belly up, the less of luck

some misplaced loudmouth

spouting at the wrong fuck

shaking his fists and dying his death in a cold arrival.


i’m here to see it

i’m here to want home and enjoy the one i’ve made

i’m here to raise the whisper of a midwestern spoon

to the curdled scream of an east coast blade.

lung breathers

all torn around the room, sleeves slid downward

and i’m done again with brain drops on the window outside.

some mad cricket can’t see no one’s interested


contains the why is bleeding by, blazing sped of offish vectors

driven mad by brainy sky, hazing head of office lectures

make it work the way i asked and care enough

and stop your contents.


my stirring hand needs more beer when i’m not allowed.


there’s been so little weather and it makes us sick,

sun that rises like it has to, three or four minutes of brain,

out to the ocean, where no one feels the pour

and lungs make the quiet not so,

heaving liquid down the hatch, panicked death of a mad cricket


if i’d gills, the blackened divide, sharing space with upward endless

would be the mile i’d walk around

leaving legs for a breathing, a melted sort of walkupon.


it’s raining on my house of water,

i care enough, i’ve found my contents

right beside the bordered bed

of living laterally,

rotating far from any sort of real dark place


i’ve never made in my mind the nothinggrand

like waves can make without the effort

saying not and still it means

the icy stare of space betweens

i think a few have, but most of them are dead,

conquered, quite plainly

knights of infinite resignation with no castle to defend

Friday, February 13, 2009

transplanting lunch ideas

so yes - this is leftover facebook garbage somehow making its way onto this blog of such high standards, but don't bitch to me about it. complain here:

The Cunninghams
565 North Clinton Drive
Milwaukee, WI 53223

i figured it made sense to follow 'thirsty' with hunger. because when you can't have something, the best thing to do is worry about something else unattainable, like fried cheese curds.

so the '25 random things' from facebook needed a little work, in my mind.

this is what i was 'supposed' to do:

"I'm not sure where this original project started but I got tagged and decided to continue it by tagging those of you whom I consider to be great friends or I haven't heard from you in a while and would love to hear what you have to say. Hope you'll play along because it would/will be fun hearing from you.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)"

but there are a few things diverting me from this specific task:

first, i can't stand the word random. it is perhaps the most overused word of the last decade, and usually by college freshman naming a facebook album. a random picture would be of the inside of a purse, or of an unrecognizable ceiling tile - not of you and your friends holding cups of beer and dancing badly, often scantily clad.

secondly, i'm a jackass, and i think i'm clever. really. i mean, look at my profile picture - if that isn't a smug, self-important jackass, i've never met one. and the real point of these things isn't to 'hear what you have to say' because people consider one another 'great friends.' this is the internet. real friends use visits, and phones, and yes, i suppose e-mails too. the point is to throw your own self-important-jackass-spoutings into the facebook world because you don't yet have a blog. well, i have a blog, but i'm REALLY excited about myself, so i'll take every opportunity i can get. and i like to meddle.

thirdly, i'm hungry. it's what i'm thinking about. tasty things. so this is where my energy goes, since i cannot eat anything at the moment -- my 25 things are tasty things. like bacon. bacon will definitely be on there.

so this is where i should say things like "you should really make your own list of tasty things, because i want to know more about you," and "it'll help us connect on another level" -- and if you feel like it, great, but really, i'm just taking this opportunity to write about tasty things.

in no particular order:

1. chicken tikka masala: i know it's the least indian of the indian dishes, but it's consistently satisfying almost everywhere. a creamy tomato-y sauce, cilantro, some of those other things they put in tasty things, basmati rice. quality. find an indian lunch buffet this weekend and eat everything they serve, but definitely have some of this.

2. the 'bronx bomber': basically a breakfast wrap they make at a bagel place in pleasantville, ny. it's only $4, and it's got sausage, ham, bacon, eggs, cheese, onions, hot sauce... i feel like i'm forgetting something. maybe salted lard?

3. the frisco burger: i haven't had hardees in as long as i can remember. i don't even know if they make this anymore, but if not, i'd eat the leftover ones they've been keeping in the utility closet.

4. saganaki: greek cheese sprinkled w/flour, sauteed in butter, dashed with lemon and cognac (or brandy) and set on fire. serve with bong rips and leather couch nap.

5. vegetable pakora from chapati: in northfield, mn. yes, more indian. with coriander chutney, perhaps the best appetizer possible. lots of places make these poorly. chapati isn't one of them. em and i used to hope they'd be on the lunch buffet, and a few times, we even brought concealed tupperwares for buffet!: part deux - at home. i'm not ashamed.

6. milwaukee's kosher dill midget pickles: be happy you live in wisconsin. find them near or on the bottom shelf at your local grocer. when em and i lived in ohio, we once brought a case of these back with us from madison and gave a few as gifts to our undeserving co-workers at dubois bookstore. the 17 or so jars remaining were selfishly rationed over the next 4 months. i think a jar even made it to bonnaroo that year. get the kosher ones though, they seemed to be more garlic-ish.


7. big mike's subs: no, i know you think i mean milio's. we cannot succumb to new ownership naming. and i definitely don't mean jimmy-johns. em likes the veggie w/sprouts and avocado, i like the italian (godfather?). get yours with a pickle too, and a lemonade, then head on over to michael's for some frozen custard.

8. beer cheese soup: good god am i from wisconsin. it sounds like the kind of thing you'd have at a bar or you dorm room the night before the worst vomit-fit day of your life -- but it's actually something i had for the first time at a fancypants-ish restaurant (weisgerber's golden mast in hartland).

9. waffle fries: i used to hate waffle fries. why did i hate waffle fries? i don't know. that was a dumb you, me.

10. bagel sandwiches from bagel and deli in oxford, ohio: expensive, but generally quality. i liked the 'tanya harding club,' and any breakfast bagel sandwich with bacon.

11. cajun chicken sandwich: while i'm in oxford, i may as well head next door to skipper’s and get one of these. bar food, but good bar food, served with... waffle fries. nice.

12. 3 year-old cheddar from sendik's in wauwatosa: more wisconsin bias, but i just can't find cheddar this good anywhere, not in ohio, not in minnesota, and certainly not out here in newyorkland. and anything that approaches real aged (measured in years, not months) cheddar is like $78/lb. but at sendiks, they usually have a few - 2, 3, 4, sometimes 5 or 6 year old cheddar for reasonable prices. the 3 year old is young enough to still be creamy, and old enough to have a good, solid bite to it. i once had a meal at my brother's that consisted of 3 things - marinated grilled tenderloin, a glass of some decent shiraz, and a pile of sendik's cheddar. that meal is in my meal hall of fame. no, you can't visit.


13. the gcb: the gcb is a garlic cheeseburger served at marvin's in greencastle, indiana. both my brother, and hayes' brother went to depauw in greencastle, and we've often talked about making a marvin's roadtrip. just for gcb's. why have we not done that yet? i heard they changed the recipe. we may have to confirm this. UPDATE: apparently, there's a Marvin's in STEVENS POINT, WI NOW!?!!?!? much more manageable roadtrip, albeit minus the mystique of indiana.

14. cheese pizza @ hollywood north in sleepy hollow: of the new york style pizza i've had, this has been the most consistent. not under/overcooked, and reasonably priced. i got a large pie a few weeks ago somewhere else with 3 toppings and they charged me like $22. and it was soggy and undercooked. i killed them all. no, not really.

15. popcorn: jesus, i almost forgot popcorn. making popcorn isn't a quick snack for me, it's sort of an event. i've reverted to almost strictly popping kernels on the stove - then some butter while it's still in the pan, cover it back up - then more butter and salt in different layers into the bowl. and i dig it when movie theaters sell popcorn outside of where they take tickets, so you don't have to bother with the whole movie part.

16. english muffins: i grew up on bay's, but i bounce back and forth between bay's and thomas.' really, i think it's butter i like, but it's nice to have a crunchy/chewy vessel for the butter.

17. bacon: bacon.

18. alouette garlic and herb spread with wheat thins: i'm still trying to find a 128oz. tub of this - i can get big boxes of wheat thins at sam’s.

19. pineapple-upside-down-cake
: i’m not usually a cake kinda guy, but em makes these every once in a while, and they’re awesome. and doing this list made me remember that i think there’s at least half of one at home right now. now that i have dinner covered, i just have to figure out what to have for dessert tonight.

20. ritter-sport: chocolate bar squares – the one with the biscuit is the best, apparently they have one with cornflakes? available in the fancypants chocolate section of a lot of groceries. and at jungle jim’s – weird world food marked place in ohio. they also sold some Nordic version of the kit-kat (much better chocolate) called kwik lunsj.

21. grilled cheese at the cage @ st. olaf: em and i were going through a scrap book the other day, and i found a receipt for one of the 12,500 grilled cheeses i ate there – it was $1.95. part of my shock may be my east-coast cost-of-living goggles, but damn! and they were big grilled cheeses on thick bread with tons of cheese – the kind where you order it with fries and mozzarella sticks thinking you’ll still be hungry – and then you finish the g.c., and you’re so full you can only manage a handful of fries and 2 m. sticks. i’ve yet to encounter a grilled cheese with that sort of power since. with inflation, i suppose it’s a whopping $2.25 by now though.

22. fresh veggies: i’m totally kidding.

22. sammy smith’s oatmeal stout: wait. i can’t do that either. even though it could qualify as a food, if i start down that path, this list will never end.

22. astronaut ice cream: okay, that works. either the neapolitan or the ice cream sandwich. similar to the popcorn situation, i’ve learned to appreciate museums where the gift shop is outside of the ticket-taker station.

23. george webb w/coupons: i realize that times have changed, but this is still a sick deal. back in the day, i would go to the ymca with hayes to play racquetball and walleyball (volleyball in a racquetball court – lots of bank shots to the unprepared face), and we’d go across the street to webb’s for lunch and each get eggs (scrambled), toast (raisin, always burned) and hashbrowns (or bacon) and a double cheesburger each – for $6.84. that’s $3.42 each. ridiculous. a 15% tip is $1.03. bring a ten dollar bill, and you’ve got enough for two hearty lunches, and two bags of doritos and a whatchamacallit from the vending machine at the y as an afternoon snack.

24. fried cheese curds: again, i’m obviously from wisconsin. and really, fresh cheese curds too, good and squeaky. but fried? good god. i don’t care if they’re $4.99 for a 3”X 4” cardboard dish at the state fair or summerfest – it’s worth my $25 for enough to be satisfied until we find the funnel cake guy.

25. bacon: again, bacon.

so that’s my answer to the 25 random things.

please yell (with violent text) at me for all the things i forgot. or just make your own list. but do it when you’re hungry. people say going to the grocery when you’re hungry is a bad idea, but i think it’s worse to go when you’re full, cause then you’re all ‘wheat thins and dip, i don’t want that’ and then later you’re all sitting on the couch watching everybody loves raymond and you’re all ‘why didn’t i get some goddamned wheat thins and dip? i’m starving, and all i have are fresh veggies!’ but even then, don’t forget that you got 4 pounds of bacon at sam’s last time and it’s in the freezer.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

realize how thirsty you are

had the lower leaves covered,
the apples brought in

rain freezes on its way to the tops of our hatted hair
crept up cold inside the warmth of september breezes curling up the hill,
raising the dusty earth to our knees and the smells of plants
drift and settle, as if crumbled and held just before our noses as we slept.

i woke up with home in my nostrils,
distant and here now,
resting between us in bed, under the dog

hiding from the weather
like a quick nap at a family party
in the rooms that keep out little kids' intrigue
i'd put a 'no toys' sign on the door if reading informed wandering

crisp from cold storms
it's hard to save them for the kettle
and spiced jars full of later spoonfulls

biting in to feel the juice slide down
and remind me of my own hunger,
the watery meat of chilled fruit

never spent a whole day lying on the ground
after a great fall, letting go with my stem
i've stood up to come inside for a tall glass of well water.