Thursday, May 28, 2009


- it's getting more full of our shit, and the internet is getting 'bigger.'

- it still takes just as long to get from milwaukee to madison, from new york to miami. planes aren't flying faster, cars aren't traveling at low-bit rate digital speeds.

- you can still buy land in montana, build a hut, buy a gross of freeze-dried food and a crossbow, and never see another human for as long as you live.

- if you wait a few years, everest's peak won't be within your capabilities.

- it's not getting smaller, because apparently distance never had any relevance anyway:

- hulu is sucking out our brains, which you'd think would make the world seem bigger.

that is all.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


by Smapoffmai Johnsonrod

Former Packer quarterback Brett Favre and current Packers’ general manager Ted Thompson were exposed on Tuesday for attempting one of the most elaborate hoaxes in sports history. A series of e-mails between the two detailing their plans to sabotage NFC North opponents was inadvertently ‘forward(ed) to all contacts’ instead of being deleted, according to Thompson. “Fucking gmail,” Thompson was quoted to have said Wednesday to reporters.

The hoax began in 2007, when the two spread false notions of bitterness regarding Favre’s unwillingness to retire, and Thompson’s haste to move the team forward with young prospect Aaron Rodgers. Favre and Thompson staged a stubborn battle when Favre unretired, claiming to have desire initially to play again for the Packers. Hints were floated that Favre’s frustration had sprouted into revenge, and that he now wanted to play for the Vikings to ‘stick it’ to Thompson and the Packers for forcing him out of Green Bay.

“(laughter) Hell, I love the Packers, but brats give me gas, and I can't stand the vi-queens and bears. It was definitely time to quit playing for real, but this plan of Ted’s was just too good to pass up,” Favre told reporters at a joint press conference on Thursday morning. That plan -- involving Favre, Thompson, Favre’s agent, as well as members of the Denver Bronco’s front office and coaching staff who lost a video game contest to Thompson -- was a mind-numbingly complex attempt to submarine the Minnesota Vikings and Chicago Bears for the near future. The primary goal was to install Favre in Minnesota to bring the team hope of a championship, only to let them down with shoddy play and fuck-all, rainbow interceptions down the stretch. "Shit, I've been doing it for years by accident, who wouldn't believe it if I threw a couple 40 yard bombs to Charles Woodson in week 16 to lose the division?" said Favre.

But in a decision made by Thompson, the Packers avoided trading Favre directly to the Vikings to avoid suspicion. Playing for the Jets in 2008 also gave Favre a full season of practice at ripping the hearts from the chests of millions of Jets fans late in the year. The idea was that Jets fans would be a good sample population, having themselves plenty of experience (like Vikings fans) with horrible, late-season implosions. It would also give Favre a good learning opportunity to hone his skills as a coach-killer - an element of the Minnesota plan which was added after Eric Mangini was banished to Cleveland by the Jets, following a beautiful executed, lead-by-example drop-off in play from Favre.

After retiring a second time, Favre waited until the Jets drafted a franchise quarterback in the 2009 NFL draft, and pounced on the opportunity to ask for a full release from the Jets. He was getting "the itch" to play again -- an itch that many speculated could only be satisfied by beating his old team in a Vikings uniform. "I love calling it the 'itch' to come back," said Favre. "It's like Ted gave me a rash that only Major Dad can scratch (laughter). With that mustache. Actually, I do have some redness here, what do you think this is? Right here below my(expletive)."

Favre's Viking stint was intended not only to destroy the 2009/10 season, but also to create a fractured locker room by embittering Sagevaris Jackenfels, the Vikings 2-headed excuse for a starting quarterback -- and by dividing the remaining players over the whole situation. Coach Brad "Major Dad" Childress was an anticipated casualty as well. "I mean, in some sense, who wouldn't want Brad Childress coaching their rival?" asked Thompson. "But we've learned that

owner Zigi Milf has some weird-ass record producer named Glen Ballard (pictured) lined up to replace him if need be, so we figured that'd be even better." (Ballard is noted for making horseshit albums with previously worthwhile musicians, composing sci-fi computer game music, and creepiness) Thompson's hope was that Major Dad would get hired elsewhere in the division.

Da Bears

Thompson and Favre's plan extended to the Bears as well, though Favre never had any intention of infiltrating the organization personally. "I think older Packer fans would've driven down to Chicago and made a human swiss-cheesehead out of me with their shotguns if I played for the Bears. It's just not worth the risk." So Thompson used some indebted friends who work for the Denver Broncos, and his connections through Favre's agent, Bus Cook, to ensure a weaker Chicago team for years to come. "So let's just say I've got some friends in Denver. And we play MarioKart Wii on Tuesdays and Thursday nights over the internet thing. I'm always Wario cause he's as insane as they come, and he seems to be easier to maneuver on that trippy level where everything's shiny and you keep falling off into space. Anyway, we had this tournament going, and well, I wiped the floor with them. The wager was a couple of draft picks - yeah, I played the whole field, I'm that good and they know it... bitches! - sorry, so one way or another, we'd exchange them. But we couldn't figure out a way to get them from Denver to Green Bay, so I suggested something different. I said, how about you guys trade Cutler to Chicago if they'll mortgage their future for him? They knew, just like I did from Bus, that this Cutler guy is ready to crack. I mean, I won't get into it, but it's weird stuff, man and it's gotten worse. And I knew once the trade was done, I could get Bus to give Jay a little... 'push.' You see, madness, as you know - is like gravity."

The trade was made, and Cutler has apparently been seen snorkeling in Lake Michigan in drag on more than one occasion since his arrival. The Bears now have 3 draft picks in the next 17 years, a diminishing defense, a ticking time-bomb at quarterback, and a stadium full of F.I.B.'s. Thompson: "Mission accomplished there, I'd say."

Plans for Minnesota Foiled

But as the Chicago front seemed tied up, Favre's dreams of leading the Vikings to a crash and burn finale went up in flames prematurely. Thompson's e-mail slip-up sent a massive Gmail 'conversation' to his entire list of contacts, including a number of fan blogs, media sources, NFL GM's and Joey Buttafuoco, who was the first to publish the information on his widely-read fine dining blog. "Really, we're pissed and I'm pissed, and well, it blows goats," said Thompson, who is facing league punishment. "But Goodell talks the talk and really walks the walk of... well, a nancy. And he owes me a few fourth-rounders from that Halo 2 tournament anyway." Favre added "But really, purple? I mean it would've been tough. And I think they're in good hands with Sagevaris, so I think things will end up probably pretty much the same after Cutler goes postal on the 'El' in a gorilla suit next Monday."

When asked if the two had ever made plans to disrupt the Lions' operations, Thompson responded "they're the ones who play in Detroit, right?"

Doctors Report Emperor Palpatine's Dementia Worsening, Empire Fucked

by Alphuster Mervleputz, updated 11am ET 5/13/09

Empire physicians (pictured above with Mr. Palpatine) reported Monday that the Emperor's condition has worsened, and that his delusions have nearly eclipsed his rational view of the galaxy. Insistent on wearing robes he purchased in Liberace's estate sale, the Emperor has proclaimed that a Mr. "God," and his son, a Mr. "Jeeves Cryste," are responsible for creation and salvation, respectively -- and that it is his duty to oversee that all of this goes according to plan.

Meanwhile, the Empire's foundation seems to be eroding due to a lack of competent executive direction. The man many think of as Mr. Palpatine's second-in-command, Mr. Vader, has been missing since early March -- and many fear recent events and work-related stress have pushed Mr. Vader back to old drug habits, and that he is lost somewhere in the K-hole. In an anonymous call to the Times on Friday, a source reported that Vader was "totally fucked, dude. Why do you care about my friend, man, where's my sandwiches? I called like almost an hour ago and I'm STARVED!"

Other reports indicate that the safety of the new battlestation "Death Star," scheduled for completion next month, may be compromised as well, as a set of catastrophic-weakness-plans is apparently missing. Those responsible have been sacked. All attempts to reach the mysterious Mr. Cryste (in the desperate hope that he actually exists outside of Mr. Palpatines distorted sense of reality) to procure a solution for the Galaxy's problems have failed.


by Finkleton Pollutes, updated 10am ET

Some hope remains for investors duped by founding father George Washington (pictured), as it appears billions were withdrawn from Mr.
Washington's account just days before his arrest. "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder, " said Washington Tuesday, dodging a question from a reporter inquiring as to his ridiculous age(277) and young appearance.

It is perhaps his mysterious exuberance which has grown Mr.
Washington's popularity among impressionable youths. His spoutings on the dangers of a powerful central government (usually in response to questions about his financial transgressions) have riled up young Americans unhappy with the prospect of "just another king," as one revolutionary-studies-major-from NYU-gone-Washington-groupie put it.

When asked about sentencing for financial crimes,
Washington responded "Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. "