according to our federal government's legal guidelines and classifications:
heroin = peyote = marijuana
cocaine = crystal meth = ritalin
alcohol = tobacco
let's put that another way (and no i don't feel bad about over-simplifying how 'they' come to these decisions)
just say no or die immediately
stealing tv's from old people, not eating, etc. because it feels so good and is so addictive = spending an entire day believing you are slowly mutating into a giant walking squidpig named Elvin Rayraybobshinkick = these stale hard pretzels are making me REALLY thirsty.
just say no or we'll break down your door and pee on your rug
"SNAP INTO A SLIMJIM, SNAP INTO A SLIMJIM, SNAP INTO A SLIMJIM" followed by a massive heart attack = breakdancing in an unfinished basement for 27 straight hours to the recording of the lawnmower you made yesterday set on repeat and I just can't stop and it's RAD! = writing papers in half the time
go ahead and kill yourself and others with these cash cows, and we'll let taxpayers pay for your diseases!
around 100,000 deaths anually, 40% of all traffic deaths, frat boys, karaoke = "More deaths are caused each year by tobacco use than by all deaths from human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), illegal drug use, alcohol use, motor vehicle injuries, suicides, and murders combined" (CDC), really stinky used couches, smoke inhalation WITHOUT Pink Floyd album enhancement (why?).
like i said, ssa.
they peed on my fucking rug.