THE WORLD ISN'T GETTING SMALLER, STUPID

- it's getting more full of our shit, and the internet is getting 'bigger.'

- it still takes just as long to get from milwaukee to madison, from new york to miami. planes aren't flying faster, cars aren't traveling at low-bit rate digital speeds.

- you can still buy land in montana, build a hut, buy a gross of freeze-dried food and a crossbow, and never see another human for as long as you live.

- if you wait a few years, everest's peak won't be within your capabilities.

- it's not getting smaller, because apparently distance never had any relevance anyway: http://www.trialectics.com/Physics/Quantum%20Nonlocality.htm

- hulu is sucking out our brains, which you'd think would make the world seem bigger.

that is all.

PACKERS' PLOT UNCOVERED

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Doctors Report Emperor Palpatine's Dementia Worsening, Empire Fucked

by Alphuster Mervleputz, updated 11am ET 5/13/09

Empire physicians (pictured above with Mr. Palpatine) reported Monday that the Emperor's condition has worsened, and that his delusions have nearly eclipsed his rational view of the galaxy. Insistent on wearing robes he purchased in Liberace's estate sale, the Emperor has proclaimed that a Mr. "God," and his son, a Mr. "Jeeves Cryste," are responsible for creation and salvation, respectively -- and that it is his duty to oversee that all of this goes according to plan.

Meanwhile, the Empire's foundation seems to be eroding due to a lack of competent executive direction. The man many think of as Mr. Palpatine's second-in-command, Mr. Vader, has been missing since early March -- and many fear recent events and work-related stress have pushed Mr. Vader back to old drug habits, and that he is lost somewhere in the K-hole. In an anonymous call to the Times on Friday, a source reported that Vader was "totally fucked, dude. Why do you care about my friend, man, where's my sandwiches? I called like almost an hour ago and I'm STARVED!"

Other reports indicate that the safety of the new battlestation "Death Star," scheduled for completion next month, may be compromised as well, as a set of catastrophic-weakness-plans is apparently missing. Those responsible have been sacked. All attempts to reach the mysterious Mr. Cryste (in the desperate hope that he actually exists outside of Mr. Palpatines distorted sense of reality) to procure a solution for the Galaxy's problems have failed.

HOPE FOR INVESTORS DUPED IN GEORGE WASHINGTON PONZI SCHEME

by Finkleton Pollutes, updated 10am ET

Some hope remains for investors duped by founding father George Washington (pictured), as it appears billions were withdrawn from Mr. Washington's account just days before his arrest. "Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder, " said Washington Tuesday, dodging a question from a reporter inquiring as to his ridiculous age(277) and young appearance.

It is perhaps his mysterious exuberance which has grown Mr. Washington's popularity among impressionable youths. His spoutings on the dangers of a powerful central government (usually in response to questions about his financial transgressions) have riled up young Americans unhappy with the prospect of "just another king," as one revolutionary-studies-major-from NYU-gone-Washington-groupie put it.

When asked about sentencing for financial crimes, Washington responded "Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master. "